Is Your Marriage Under Attack? 4 Steps to Fighting Fair
“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” James 1:19, NLT.
The trouble we find ourselves in is we find it difficult to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger when emotions run high. And, let’s face it, emotions run high when we want our own way — when we realize we have some dying to self to do.
“One of the best wedding gifts God gave you was a full-length mirror called your spouse. Had there been a card attached, it would have said, ‘Here’s to helping you discover what you’re really like!'” – Gary and Betsy Ricucci
Each of us brings ourselves into our marriages. Some of us were raised in families that yelled at each other to get points across. Others of us were raised in homes that retreated from one another when conflict arose. Neither works, but it is part of our origin story, which impacts our adult relationships, especially our marriage.
You may think, “I’m a Christian now. Jesus washed my sins away.” That’s true. By your faith in Jesus, your sins have been washed away. However, behavior patterns learned early can nudge their way into our lives, especially when we are “thin.”
What do I mean by “thin”? It is a word my wife and I use when we explain we need a little time before discussing something important to us. For example, if my wife has had an especially trying day at work, she may say, “I’m a bit thin right now. Can we talk later?”
And, in times of conflict, there is something else to consider. There is a real devil in our world who hates Christian marriages. He hates marriages because they have the potential to reflect the covenant relationship between Christ and his Bride, the Church. This hatred of Christian marriages motivates him to find ways to cause division among us (Want more tools for a healthier marriage? Click here for our Choosing Marriage event.).
As my wife and I warred with ourselves and the devil’s desire to divide us, we coined this phrase to regulate our conflicts: “When we fight, we choose to fight fair.”
Here are some tools to help you “fight fair” when conflict arises:
• Start the conversation with, “I need your help understanding something. Is now a good time?”
• Choose a time to discuss a conflict when you are fresh. As a rule, late at night does not work.
• If both of you are ready for the discussion, sit together in a private place in your home. Standing can present a threatening posture. If you can, hold hands.
• Next, let the offended spouse speak first without interruption. The other spouse responds once they have listened well to their spouse. Once each spouse’s heart is clear and a way forward is discerned, pray for one another.
Marriage is not for the weak of heart. It is a challenge, but it is a worthy one! Would you like to add some tools to strengthen your marriage? Click below to sign up for our Choosing Marriage at Worship Center on February 24.