The Indispensable Role Of Fathers
(Note: This post is primarily written for men.)
Adequately inadequate.
My relationship with Father’s Day is, well, complicated. I had an amazing dad who wasn’t perfect but was worthy to be honored. He remained faithful to Jesus, worked hard, and loved our family unconditionally.
Still, as a teenager, I ignorantly assumed Father’s Day was devised by Hallmark, just like Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day, with one goal — to generate card sales. I regret I didn’t properly appreciate him as much as I should have (and who cares if it was Hallmark’s idea).
At age 24, I became a dad. Since then, each Father’s Day stirs up two primary emotions: it’s an annual reminder of how much I love my three children, and I’m grateful for the opportunity, privilege, and responsibility of being their dad.
At the same time, it brings up how much I fall short of my own expectations.
Looking back, there are more moments when I wish for a do-over than when I feel like I was crushing it. It’s an important role, but it seems like the longer I’m a dad, the less I know how to be a good one. I can feel inadequate.
Recently, I read a post from Dr. Anthony Bradley, who writes a lot about how fathers are indispensable:
“There are three things boys uniquely learn primarily from their fathers,” Bradley writes. “1) Empathy, 2) Anger/aggression regulation, & 3) How to treat women.
Fathers are indispensable. Society pays the price when boys don’t have fathers like this in the home.”
Empathy.
Empathy is the ability to feel what others are feeling. Where sympathy is sending a “get well soon” card to someone who’s sick. Empathy is sitting beside them, holding their hand, and sharing their pain as if you’re experiencing it yourself.
One of the assessments I took in preparation to be a lead pastor revealed my strengths and weaknesses. I couldn’t help but ask what kind of pastor I would be when I saw empathy in last place as my lowest trait. “I’m not naturally empathetic” is an understatement, but I never want it to be an excuse for developing a calloused heart.
Empathy starts with active listening. Giving your full attention to someone in the age of distraction is a superpower. Ask questions with genuine interest. Listen with your eyes. Be present where your feet are until you can put yourself in another person’s shoes. You can fake interest, but counterfeit empathy can be spotted a million miles away.
Anger and aggression regulation.
As a follower of Jesus, having a game plan for when anger strikes is crucial because experiencing injustice is inevitable. Suppressing anger by numbing it is not the answer. It’s only a matter of time before it boils up and explodes (watch the latest message to discover what Jesus taught about anger).
Jesus is a great anger management teacher (see Matthew 5:21-26).
Instead of insulting another person’s intelligence, take responsibility for your part, even though it’s tempting to blame others. Human instinct is to underemphasize our part as irrelevant and overemphasize the other’s part as guilty.
Settle differences quickly as much as it depends on you. Getting eye-to-eye with people reminds you that they are human.
Reacting in anger toward someone will poison your words and actions, causing you to treat them as less than human. Regulating anger and aggression will establish you as a safe place for dealing with conflict.
In sum, anger indicates injustice, insults indicate immaturity, and ownership indicates maturity.
How to treat women.
One of the greatest gifts my dad gave my brothers and me was his unconditional love for my mom. He treated her with dignity and respect, considered her opinion important, and affirmed her publicly and privately. I watched him own his mistakes and never saw him use his words or hands to dominate, intimidate, or abuse (here’s how to guard your marriage from the drift).
They had their share of disagreements and had to navigate the hurt resulting from misunderstandings, but their commitment to one another was to “not let the sun go down on their anger.” Again, I don’t think I fully recognized the gift he gave us.
Caught more than taught.
If you’re anything like me, you may put undue pressure on yourself to set up teachable moments, create more “advice” opportunities, or deliver unwanted but necessary lectures. In my experience, that rarely works.
However, I’ve noticed the most important things to pass on to your children are caught more than taught.
I think about this question a lot: if I were the only picture my kids had of what it was like to follow Jesus, what would they learn?
Could I say to them, “Follow me as I follow Christ”? (See 1 Corinthians 11:1)
It’s a sobering yet simplified guide for living.
Fathers, you may feel inadequate, but I’m here to remind you that you are indispensable.
Live out your faith in a way that makes your children — no matter how old they are — say, “I want what you have” because what you have is worth passing on to the next generation.