What Did You Mean By That?
That question — What Did You Mean By That? — has turned many conversations in the wrong direction. Sadly, it has also spoiled much-needed conversations between spouses.
Why is that? Because when the question is delivered defensively, the response is often equally defensive, and it is only downhill from there.
So, what is happening? Why do we suddenly become defensive when a particular subject is brought up? What happens inside us in moments like this?
Let me share my answer to that question by telling you about a situation my wife and I experienced. Years ago, I heard Cindy call me from our upstairs bedroom.
My response was defensive as I yelled up the stairs, “What?” Cindy needed me to bring up a prescription from her purse, but as soon as she heard my defensive, “What?” she answered, “Forget it.”
The situation digressed from there, nearly resulting in our sleeping separately that evening. We needed to talk.
When we did talk this through, we discovered what was happening inside each of us. I was at a low point in the day, just getting home from a day of ministry that did not go particularly well. When I heard Cindy call my name, I thought, “Perfect. Needs at church. Needs at home. There is no getting away from needs.”
And then I thought something familiar to me, “I don’t have what it takes at home or in ministry.” Essentially, my insecurities about my ability to come through for people I care about were triggered.
On Cindy’s side, she thought, “Great, I am a bother once again, but why can’t he do a simple thing for me? I’m not asking for much, but now I feel like a bother – again!”
Can you see what was happening? I became defensive because, deep down, I felt I could not come through for people, and that thought had roots in my upbringing.
Cindy, on her part, has felt since childhood that she is a bother to people each time she has a need. In her mindset as the oldest child in the family, she felt she was the one who met other people’s needs, and bothering others with her needs was not an option. Therefore, this simple request to get a prescription from her purse uncovered stories we were telling ourselves that needed to be challenged and talked through with each other.
So, what can we do about our defensive posture when we feel it rise within us? Here are some thoughts I believe will help us:
• Start by asking, “God, why am I feeling this right now?” You will often find your response is based on a story you learned early in life. However, that story is no longer who you are as a follower of Jesus, but it wants to hold on to you and hurt you and your family.
• Once you understand where your defensive response has come from, bring it into the Light of Christ and communicate with your spouse about what you sense is really going on inside you.
• After both of you have talked through this, even doing a “do over,” ask God what His Word says about addressing your defensiveness. You can call to mind passages like James 3:5 that say, “In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire.” This will shed light on what is at stake, warning you not to react but to gain an understanding of yourself and how best to respond.
• Another passage in James addresses this head-on in James 1:19-20, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.” This is terrific instruction, but its potency makes itself known when we practice what it is saying while we are tempted to do the very opposite thing: to speak quickly and in anger.
• As you incorporate God’s Word into your self-awareness, you learn the why behind your defensiveness. So, when a triggering situation arises, you respond with intention instead of reacting. The more you practice this, the better you get. Be patient with yourself and keep communicating with humility with your spouse. Don’t let the enemy or your pride rob you and your spouse of the intimacy God intends for your relationship.
• Finally, relationships require a safe space that reacting does not accommodate. Creating safe spaces in your relationship takes allowing the Spirit of God inside you to live the Word of God through you as you build your relationship together.
There is a war on to destroy your covenant marriage or soon-to-be marriage. You must stand up and fight this war with God’s Word and His Spirit, remembering you are fighting from the victory of Calvary. True Christ-like peace lives on the other side of your obedience to respond instead of reacting.
Blessings,
Pastor Eric